Losing Someone You Love
January 2018. Place- FDC (Film Development Corporation)
A spotlight sharply focused on me, enough to make it difficult to see the 3 people sitting across. 2nd round of the competition, that one common question judges went on to ask me along with 30 other contestants- “What is your biggest fear?” Taking only a second or two to construe the question, my answer slipped without sparing the third- Losing Someone You Love.
Time paused for a while, the judges had a straight glare at me as my answer didn’t sound familiar or range within the conventional answers like- the spiders, water, clowns, or even cockroaches.
“Suppose you get a call from your mother while you are backstage preparing for a show, informing you that your father is no more. With our cue, can you act how you would handle the entire situation and what would be your reaction?” — They proceeded to ask. It was that excruciating round to make it to the top 15, a drastic curtail of 50%. Of course, the judges weren’t going to go easy on me.
I did make it to the top 15. But what happened next, was something I wished never happened then. The thought of getting a call from my mother with a piece of news as such, made me break into real tears on national television. That’s how gravely the thought of losing someone you love, can get to you. Well at least, it got to me. As I got a hold of myself, this time I could see the 3 people and their teary eyes across me, very clearly.
August 2018. Place- Mirpur
I never wanted the scenario which was supposed to be an act on national television, to come to reality in just 6 months, no. The initial shock comes with a question like- is this really happening? Followed by continuous denials and constant prayers that whatever was happening around, turns into some sort of nightmare that I can wake up to. And later, the reality slowly but surely starts to sink in. A world of actuality can change by a piece of news, and nothing really remains the same after that.
Sleep was the only getaway from the constant ache punching my heart back then. Waking up meant accepting the burden of a cruel reality- that someone you used to love, will no longer be there. Breathing, eating, looking, moving, and overall living, seemed like a huge weight on the heart I was having to carry, for what reasons I was still not able to comprehend. I never knew I could feel this much pain before in my life. The amount of pressure weighing me down that would hardly let me get back up was immeasurable, and sometimes, it still is.
Losing someone you love leaves you with a pain furthest to any human bearing capability. That one silver lining out of this is- nothing in the world can ever break you after that. And when you have already endured the cruelest pain, there’s nothing left that can hurt you more than that. You become a little fearless in life’s pursuit knowing- there are no more pieces left to be broken.
When we are sheltered under the shadows of our parents, we get comfortable knowing we always have a place to lean back on, on perhaps a cushion of security. We are carefree and careless in our approach to everything. Suddenly losing that shelter sometimes teaches you to become your own savior. It breaks you, but it builds you too.
The pain never lessens, you just get better at carrying it well, perfectly tucked up under your ribcage.
April 2021. Place- Isolation
After assembling enough courage, I am writing this piece. It’s 1:44 am right now and I completed writing thus far, I don’t know the date. Since being stuck in isolation, all I did was count days to reach that 20 days mark and not even bother about what day it was. Let me google.
Oh, just a while back, I opened Instagram and saw a friend share a picture of her father. Whenever I see my friends, peers, and people or even pages around me talk about Fathers, the grave hole in my heart never forgets to remind me of its existence. I cannot help but be extremely happy for the ones who still have their fathers by their side. Urging them to express their love to their fathers and doing everything they can in that regard turns into a routine on some days- just a little effort to save them from Regret.
There’s no bigger suffering than regret. Regret really kills.
June 2021. Place- Dining Table
Love, an expression that demands to be expressed. So, when you love someone, you go out there and gather up the courage to say it out loud. Don’t buy into what social media feeds you on ‘non expressing’ and ‘being distant’ to be the new cool or too much expressing can end up in people taking you for granted. Love only accepts you all arms by the sheer expression of it.
My father could never express how much he loved us. Having the same genes, nor could we. Just today, when I was in a conversation with my Dadu (grandmother), she teared up when Abbu’s (My Father’s) name came up and she immediately shared how he used to bring us food and tell my Dadu to give it to us, never doing it himself. She added how much he loved us, and yet, could never express it.
I once made my mother a Mothers Day card, and I remember Abbu asking me to make one for him too. I wish he didn’t have to ask. Was he hurt, when he did? I mean, he never expressed, and nor did i. I wish he did, I wish I did. Fathers Day is here. I get the rush of making handmade cards again, only to realize it won’t have any recipient. I get these amazing Father’s Day celebration ideas, only to have them limited within our daily Marketing Meetings at the place I work at. It’s a bit cruel, to have a world full of ideas sliding in your head, only to have no person to implement them for.
Happy Fathers Day Abbu. I pray that you are doing good up there, and i am trying to make you proud. Well, you see, it might take a while, so i will have to ask you to wait. We miss you more than you know, do you know? I guess this time I’ll never know.
If you still can, express how much you love your father, your mother, and everyone you love, in any and every form you can.
Who knows? Maybe it’ll save you from the burden of writing ‘i wish’s on Medium someday.
You can reach me at mehrinafrinaysha@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you!
